Yasi Tries: Wooing Michael Cera

DAY 1

Ok so while I love my little misanthropic kitty (oh Toonces, how similar we two have become) he’s not exactly filling that emotional void in my life. In the spirit of true love, I decide to seek out that special person with whom I can spend the rest of my cantankerous days. I begin by listing all the crushes I currently have. I wrack my brain and summon three names. Dr. Gregory House, Katherine Moennig, and Michael Cera. Since the good doctor is a fictional character, and I am not a lesbian (despite what my mother may tell you and despite how much I love Shane on The L Word) my list is narrowed down to Cera. I get my Google on and find out all I need to know about my new boyfriend. Aside from being 19 and Canadian, he’s pretty much perfect. Funny, nice, tall, and musically-inclined (he plays guitar in an adorable little indie rock band called The Long Goodbye). I’ve always wanted to be a muse.I start polling my friends. “Do you think I have a chance with Michael Cera?” I receive mixed responses. “Do you even know him?” “Isn’t he like 12?” “Sure, Yas. Go get him!” (Thanks Scott). Undeterred by my generally unsupportive friends (you won’t stand in the way of my happiness, haters) I forge on. I love this man, and nothing will stop me from being with him.

DAY 2

Michael (or Mikey, as I’ve taken to affectionately calling him) does not have a MySpace account and my letters to him via the Fox Network remain unanswered (those bastards cancelled Arrested Development so they’re probably purposely hiding my letters to keep Mikey from being happy). I’m beginning to get a little discouraged when my luck suddenly changes. On a morning run to Starbucks for my Soy Misto, I spy Seth Rogen near the Hear Music stand. My mind starts racing. Should I write a note to Mikey and have Seth pass it on? Hastily I grab a napkin and scrawl the words “Michael, do you like me? Check Yes or No. Love, Yasi.”

But suddenly I am paralyzed with fear and my palms start sweating and before I can get a hold of myself, Seth is gone. Balls. Still, I take this as a sign from above that Michael and I are meant to be together. (Word up big man, I hear you loud and clear). 

DAY 3

I am dealt a devastating blow. Snarky editor Choi informs me that Cera in fact has a girlfriend, some shrew by the name of Charlyne Yi. I am wounded. How could Mikey do this to me? He knows the purity of my feelings. Teary eyed, I look her up on the internet and find that she is funny and talented (she was the stoner chick in Knocked Up). She is also 22. I eat two cheeseburgers and a container of Häagen-Dazs. I am now miserable and thoroughly congested.

 DAY 4

I am determined not to let Michael’s infidelities ruin what will be undoubtedly be the great love of my life. I forgive you Michael. I understand that she took advantage of your gentle nature, and I don’t fault you for it. She’s great, and you can still hang out with her (as long as you never ever touch her ever). I spend the rest of the day watching episodes of Cera’s internet tv show, Clark and Michael. It’s hilarious, and after freeze-framing a couple of stills of the interior of his apartment and showing them around to a few Los Angeles real-estate brokers, I have the location of his home narrowed down to ten possible buildings in the area. I am edging closer and closer to emotional fulfillment. I spend the rest of evening paging through old copies of Brides Magazine and knitting Mikey a green scarf (to complement his eyes).

 DAY 5

It’s finally here! My big chance has arrived. Charlyne Yi is performing at the Upright Citizens Brigade tomorrow, and it is there that I will undoubtedly meet my destiny. I take time carefully choosing an outfit I know he will love. I find the perfect pair of Vans, and a vintage Ghost Busters T-shirt. I mentally prepare his gift package (a mixtape with carefully chosen indie rock love ballads, his new scarf, and a Subway sandwich, because I know how much he hates Quiznos) and spend the rest of the day learning to play guitar (well, the Rock Band guitar) so I can impress him with my musical prowess. As I play along to “Say It Ain’t So” for the 18th time, I screen a montage of our future moments in my head. Cuddling and watching Adult Swim. Eating Bagel Bites. Swing dancing lessons.   

DAY 6

OMG he’s here. As I’m calming myself with my self-affirmation mantras (“you are the cutest best most wonderful Yasi there is”) I spy an unusual number of young girls, all eagle-eyeing my Mikey. Panic creeps. Palms start sweating, and consequently, the strawberry milkshake I’ve thoughtfully smuggled in for him slips out of my hands and all over my painstakingly put-together outfit. The room starts spinning and flashbacks of junior high Sadie Hawkins fill my head and I can’t breathe so I push past the crowd and run home. If you’re reading this Michael, it’s not you, it’s me. If you’re reading this Katherine Moennig, call me.