Welcome To Fattyland

Anorexia is played and guilt is for martyrs. Missbehave knows the world is going to end, and until then, we plan on consuming the lowbrow brilliance that is American fast food, without feeling bad about it. We binge like bulimics—but keep it down ‘cause barfing fucks up your pearly whites and by the time we top out at around 300 lbs, our “beautiful smiles” and “good personalities” are gonna be about all we‘ve got going. Sure vegans and health nuts live longer, but only the good die young, and until then we want to live large. Literally. When we die of clogged arteries at the age of 30 go ahead and slap ‘I’m lovin’ it’ on our tombstones (mmm…pizza). So spark up a bleezy—that way you won’t remember anything in the morning, kinda like drunken sex—and go feast on some grease. Behold, Missbehave’s countdown of the top 20 places to stuff your pretty faces.

20) Sonic Drive-In:
Started: 1953 in Shawnee, Oklahoma
Slogan: “America’s Drive-In”
Trivia: They advertise in areas years before a location even exists.
American Idol contestant Kellie Pickler, was a Sonic Carhop in Albemarle, North Carolina.
Food: Cop the Chicken Strip Dinner, complete with Onion Ring and Texas Toast. Swap the fries for tater tots and cop some Cherry Limeade with crushed ice. Don’t bother with the drive-thru, enjoy a classic drive in moment by watching minimum wage workers on roller skates stumble towards your car with a fully loaded tray. Then eat like your windows are tinted.

19) Tim Horton’s:
Started: 1964 in Hamilton, Ontario
Slogan: “Always Fresh”
Trivia: Their coffee was rumored to contain nicotine or MSG because it was so addictive.
Food: Canuck coffee at its best and donuts far superior to Dunkin’…and we aren’t saying that just ‘cause we have a vendetta against that fat, bad tipping cunt, Rachel Ray. Stick to their famous coffee and a Boston Cream donut…’cause what’s the fun in eating something without an exhilarating spurt of creamy goodness? Yum-o!

18) Yoshinoya:
Started: 1899 in Japan
Slogan: “Yoshinoya. The sign of good taste!”
Trivia: Japanese fast food chain.
Called “one-coin wife” in Japan because salary-men only need a 500-Japanese-yen coin to pay for a meal.
Food: Try the Beef Bowl or Gyudon as it’s known in Japan—thin juicy USDA choice beef simmered with onions in special sauce on top of white rice. Better yet, fly to Tokyo where you actually have some menu options. Japan: lift the trade embargo on Yoshinoya Katsu curry, or it’s curtains for Kobayashi.

17) Arby’s:
Started: 1964 in Boardman, Ohio
Slogan: “I’m thinking Arby’s”
Trivia: The first fast food restaurant to eliminate trans fats in fries from their menu.
Food: What could possibly be better than the thinly sliced, oven-roasted beef that Arby’s is famous for? That beef, topped with thick-cut pepper bacon, slathered in cheddar cheese and Red Ranch Dressing, on an onion roll, that’s what! We’re big fans of using their seasoned curly fries to clean any extra goo off of the wrapper, that way, there’s nothing left for the homeless to get their grubby paws on.

16) Pollo Tropical:
Started: 1988 Miami, Florida.
Slogan: “Chicken on the Grill”
Trivia: Official sponsor of The Miss Florida USA Pageant
Food: Munch on a 1/2 Chicken marinated 24 hours and grilled to juicy perfection with a side of kernel corn and fried plantains. Then tear into their key lime pie…mmm custardy graham-crackery goodness. Plus, hitting up a Pollo Tropical from the safety of your car, is way easier than foraging for edible food in Spanish Harlem.

15) McDonald’s
Started 1948 in San Bernardino, California
Slogan: “I’m Lovin’ it”
Trivia: Olivia’s dad named the Royale with cheese!!!
1 in 8 workers in the US has at some point been employed by McDonalds.
Food: It’s all about the nuggs, fuck their Premium Strips—dark meat has those juicy tendon blobs. The fries are bomb, but were better when they fried them shits in beef tallow, which is why, once again, vegetarians suck. Best thing about McD’s is that they’re EVERYWHERE and it’s fun to experiment in other countries. Wasabi dipping sauce? Oishii!

14) Zippy’s:
Started: 1966 Honolulu, Hawaii
Slogan: TK
Trivia: From only 24 locations, they manage sell over 110 tons of chili a month.
Food: This Hawaiian favorite kills the chili game. No contest. They’ve got chili with rice, No bean chili, chili & cheese fries, chili dogs, chili burritos, chili nachos— evidently, chili is the only food that Hawaiians eat besides macadamia nuts, pineapple, and Spam.

13) Taco Time:
Started: 1960 in Eugene, Oregon
Slogan: “A Rich Past Behind Us: An Even Richer Destination Ahead!”
Trivia: Hot sauce originally blended by pushing a 55-gallon barrel around the parking lot
Food: What time is it? Taco Time—don’t get too excited pervy male readers, this taco’s not pink and the cream is sour! In addition to their tasty tacos, Taco Time has Crisp Burritos (huge taquito-ish love tubes), cheese and jalapeno stuffed Mexi-Fries, and a bangin’ chicken BLT burrito with ranch sauce—and by bangin’ we don’t mean finger.

12) Whataburger:
Started: 1950 in Corpus Christi, Texas
Slogan: “Just Like You Like it”
Trivia: Employees compete for cash in the annual “WhataGames”
In 2001, the 77th Texas Legislature dubbed Whataburger a “Texas Treasure”.
Food: This Texas mainstay combines the only two things Texas does best: big and beef. We go for a Double Meat Whataburger, fries, and a fountain Diet Dr. Pepper—‘cause kinda like our birth fathers, we never know when we’re going to see his ass again.

11) Orange Julius:
Started 1926 in Los Angeles, CA
Slogan: TK julie calling 1 (952) 830-0200
Trivia: Official drink of the 1964 Worlds Fair in New York.
As a teen Russell Simmons worked at Orange Julius
Food: Nothing tops an Original Orange Julius, it’s like drinking a refreshingly frothy liquid creamsicle! Don’t bother ordering food, it’s like looking for hotties at bingo night—humorous but totally not the point. No one likes shriveled old weenies accept Anna Nicole. R.I.P..

10) Long John Silvers:
Started: 1969 in Lexington, Kentucky
Trivia: Named after the character from Treasure Island
Food: You’d best be privy to the awesomeness that is the family meal. Sure, you don’t have four kids at home eagerly awaiting their Treasure Chest filled will gross quantities of buttery deep-fried fish, chips, and hushpuppies…but the pizza face in the drive-thru doesn’t know that. Plus, who’s he to judge? He’ll never get laid. At least you have cats.

9) Burgerville:
Started: 1961 in Vancouver, Washington
Slogan: “Choose Fresh, Local, Sustainable. Choose Burgerville.”
Trivia: They use 100 percent local wind power and recycle their canola oil into biodiesel
Food: Burgerville stays true to it’s Pacific Northwest roots by using fresh local ingredients, like Oregon Country Natural Beef, the same dead cow that Whole Foods slangs. They also have seasonal shit, like Oregon blackberry and hazelnut (did you know Oregon is the largest producer of hazelnuts in the world?) milkshakes, Walla Walla sweet onion rings, sweet potato fries, and Yukon Gold waffle fries. Bomb.

Dairy Queen:
Started: 1938 in Kankakee, Illinois
Slogan: DQ Something Different
Trivia: Owned by Warren Buffet
Texas has over 600 Dairy Queen locations
Originally named sherbs
Food: Dipped Cones, Reeses Peanut Butter Cup Blizzards, Cappuccino Heath Blizzards, Dilly Bars, Peanut Buster Parfaits. All under five dollars. The mental picture of a high school age Mary H.K. Choi clad head to toe in DQ regalia? Priceless. Fuck the “real” food. In the hour it takes them to make it, your mysteriously gravity defying Blizzard will have melted.

7) In-N-Out Burger:
Started: 1948 in Baldwin Park, California
Slogan: “Quality You Can Taste”
Trivia: They print discreet bible verse references on packaging
Food: Ignore their seemingly limited menu, cop the secret one, and discover this funhouse of endlessly beefy possibilities. Like, a 2×4 Animal Style (two mustard cooked patties, four slices of cheese, pickles, extra secret sauce, and grilled onions). Make sure to order your fries well done and wash it all down with a swirled Neapolitan shake while asking yourself ‘what would Britney do?’

6) Jack In The Box:
Started:1951 in San Diego, California
Slogan: “We Don’t Make it ‘Til You Order it”
Trivia: CEO “Jack” has a MySpace page.
Free car antenna balls
Food: Thanks to Jack-In-Box, a toasty croissant coated in mayonnaise, with eggs, two types of swine, cheese, two sides of their famous buttermilk ranch, and some blueberry French toast sticks is available 24/7. Breakfast is still the most important meal of the day—even if it’s 4am, you haven’t slept yet, and technically it’s only a new day for the garbage man emptying the dumpster in the parking lot.

5) Yummy Korean BBQ:
Started: 1987 Hawaii Kai, Hawaii
Slogan: “No One Ever Leaves Our Restaurant Hungry.”
Trivia: Korean Owner, Peter Kim, Played football at the University of Alabama. What???
Food: feast on a perfect Hawaiian/Korean plate lunch, bulgogi (barbecued beef), kim chee and macaroni salad. Kim Jong Il can keep eating golden retrievers for all we care, just as long as Yummy keeps coming correct with canine free dericiousness.

4) Chick-fil-A:
Started: 1946 in Hapeville, Georgia
Slogan: “We Didn’t Invent the Chicken, Just the Chicken Sandwich”
Trivia: Closed on Sundays (‘cause o’ Jesus).
Food: Their barely breaded, whole breast chicken sandwiches, strips, and nuggets are sweet little chunks of poultry gold. One deep dunk into their signature Polynesian sauce and you’ll be muggin’ bitches outside the NYU food court—the only New York location—for a ten piece meal, and fresh squeezed lemonade (if you’re stealthy enough not to spill it).

3) Arctic Circle:
Started: 1950 in Salt Lake City, Utah
Slogan: “Where the Good Stuff is”
Trivia: First to offer kids meals
Food: Arctic Circle uses only bomb-ass, 100 percent real halibut in their Halibut and Fry meals. They also take credit for the invention of lime squeezes and fry sauce (basically just a trumped up concoction of ketchup and mayo with a few other “secret” ingredients). Silly Mormons. Next they’ll try to convince us they invented television.

2) Schlotsky’s:
Started: 1971 in Austin, Texas
Slogan: “We Don’t Just Make it We Bake it”
Trivia: Their bread is baked fresh from scratch every day
They have an annual 5K called the Bun Run
Their Parent Company, Focus Brands owns Carvel and Cinnabon too!
Food: Master sandwicheures, they don’t mess around. Go for a Turkey Bacon Club…it comes with smoked turkey, bacon, melted cheddar, mozzarella, AND parmesan, layered with dill pickles, red onion, lettuce and tomato on sourdough. You definitely won’t lose 235 lbs. eating at Schlotsky’s, but you also won’t have to hide 235 cubic inches of loose skin under your polo like Jared. That’s the price of “eating fresh”.

1) Taco Bell:
Started: 1962 in Downey, California
Slogan: “Think Outside the Bun”
Trivia: Their “Run for the border” slogan promoted illegal immigration
Food: Yo quiero a Mexican Pizza, Crunchwrap Supreme, and Seven Layer Burrito…although it means our sphincters will be looser than the Nordstroms’ return policy come morning—those beany bites are worth the gastric disaster. We recommend only eating at Taco Bells where REAL Mexicans are employed. We like to say we’re from immigration, and then see how many scatter out the drive-through window.