ASK MISSBEHAVE

dear missbehave, I’m in a huge predicament. There’s this boy. we’ll call him Stan for the time being. Stan and I have a bit of a history. This winter, we started seeing each other on the DL because his roommate was an ol’ eff buddy of mine (there were no feelings involved). I dumped him because I was sick of dealing with these 3 AM visits, avoiding our friends and lying to myself. I mean, the kid had just gotten out of a really bad 3-year-long relationship. I would never be tops in his book, at least not at this point in time. So, I cut it off after 2 months. I really liked the kid, though, and I couldn’t get out bed for a week after we broke up. I found out later that he developed a little bit of an H habit during our break-up. Ouch.

So, this summer our friends, including myself, drove to my house in the middle of the country. We ended up cuddling sort of drunk in the backseat, and it really threw me for a loop. So badly that I couldn’t bring myself to talk to him for the entire summer. Now flash-forward to August. I just moved back to NY, I had a housewarming party and things seemed friendly between us. Two weeks later, I threw him his birthday party. And we ended up sleeping next to each other and kissing. It was mad cute. The next day, I went back with him to his place on Long Island. I met his family, who love me, I met his friends from high school, who also love me, got to see where he grew up- it was so cute and romantic and great. The next day we went to the Hamptons- he was sober, for once- and it was probably the loveliest day of the summer.

He dropped me off at the train station and we kissed goodbye…it was sweet. Then the next day…here comes his second birthday party. He got so drunk that we ended up sleeping together again, and I was so drunk…well, we had this conversation basically where he told me that he likes me a lot, but “we can’t go out again because I’m afraid I’m gonna hurt you again.” What the fuck do you say to that? Or rather, what did I do? I cried. Like a total bitch. It was awful. Shit was weird the next day. And it hasn’t been the same since.

Stan flaked out on me hardcore two times in a row because he was too fucked up to know better. Every single time I try to talk to him about it, he’s drunk, high or both. I got so annoyed with him after his second birthday that I just started talking candidly about guys I’m seeing. Maybe that confused him, I don’t know. But two weekends ago, I stayed with him at his college. He was weird, distant, but we talked a little. He admitted to me that he “doesn’t know when to stop [getting fucked up]”. It gets SO scary sometimes. The scarier part is that on the drive up to his home, he admitted to me that his dad used to be a raging alcoholic. Like, bad raging alcoholic. Like, rehab alcoholic.

As soon as he told me that, my heart sunk. He’s turning into his father, and I don’t know what to do. His friends are starting to comment on it. He’s become so selfish, so mean and cold-hearted. Stan used to be polite, mild-mannered (and actually had manners!); a real charmer. Stan was supposed to sleep over for this party I threw last night with the rest of his roommates, but he ended up with some girl in the city. He had to ask her for subway fare! Totally grimeball, right? That’s not how he usually is. At all. A grimy ass hook-up? This is not the Stan I know. He was 3 hours late for meeting up with his roommates to head out on the island. They were so pissed, and so was I.

No one else seems to have the balls to tell him he needs to chill the fuck out. And if there’s a better time to chill, it needs to be now- he just started on his thesis. I’ve accepted that we were only on for a little while, and whether I fucked that up telling him I was seeing other guys is his own issue. What’s fucked up is that he’s killing himself with drugs and alcohol. Stan’s a huge pothead and he told me last night that no matter how much he smokes, he doesn’t get high anymore. That it now takes 14 beers to get him drunk. The bags under his eyes have gotten so big that he looks Asian, seriously. He looks like shit. He used to be the hottest guy I knew.

I love Stan so much, and if he got his shit together I would be willing to try one last time. Whether trying is years or months from now doesnt matter. What matters right now is that he needs to get help, and I’m saying this from a friend light- not a potential gf light.

How do I confront him about this? His alcoholism is starting to ruin his friendships, relationships- everything. People are talking about it. He’s become Mr. Hot Tranny Mess 2008….I know….He needs to want to help himself, but…what. what the fuck do i do? Please help! love, a very concerned ex-girlfriend who misses her old friend.