I’m Living All Over You
August 6th, 2008 by Lesley Arfin
A few years back, I broke up with my boyfriend and he went psycho. I had logged into myspace at like, 3am and he saw that I was “online.” He proceeded to come over to my building, wait for someone to open the door, and then try to get in my apartment at 6am. Not only is that a problem in and of itself, but at the time I actually had another guy over. I didn’t know what to do, the ex wouldn’t leave. I called the cops and got them to walk him home. I felt so bad but I was scared. And also in the apartment with a crush. I was embarrassed. We didn’t talk for a while, me and the ex, but we would see each other on ichat. You know how you can see what itunes song is playing under the screen name? Well, he would play one of “our” songs (Dead End Kids by the Runaways) and I would then play one of “our” songs back (Stay Forever by Ween). It went on like that for weeks. We hated each other, we loved each other, it was a passive-aggressive and immature way to let each other know we were still thinking about us. It was bittersweet at the time, but now said ex and I are best friends, like we were always meant to be. Cut to today, my broken heart. I’m trying to look for hidden clues. A private joke on a blogspot sang out to me. He took me off his Top 8 and replaced me with another girl, a girl who was once a point of contention, a fucking stab into my open-but-trying-to-heal wound. This advanced technology is ridiculous albeit new levels of obsession/shout-outs. Are they intended for me to see and react to? I’d like to think yes, but really I have no idea. I stopped checking facebook, stopped signing into gchat and ichat, and am bidding adieu to myspace. Is this effective? I have to believe that in this day in age, if one really HATED someone and wanted them out of their life, they’d block the user. They’d delete them from everything and put their settings on private. I have no doubt it’s pathetic to read into these tiny innuendos, but I can’t help it. Does everything happen for a reason, or does everything just happen? I think everything just “happens,” except on the internet. On the internet, you send a message out, but sometimes you can get it back. Unlike a text or an email or even having words in person (now there’s a concept), you can go back and retrace your steps. You can add, delete, edit, block, unblock; time is elusive as all fuck. You can manipulate it. There is both danger and comfort in this fact. What I do know, and this goes for real time too, is that sometimes no reaction is the most painful of all. So I’m sticking to that story, and fingers crossed (my Top 8 remaining intact as well), that no manipulation is the most manipulating of them all. Pray for me ladies.
All actions are presented to others with the intent of a reaction. It’s what people want, whether positive or negative, and it’s what we expect. Which is why no reaction is the worst feeling in the world. The internet is the poster child for manipulation..Tom actually ruined millions of friendships/families/relationships with his trusty add/block/top eight/bulletin features. But removing yourself from the internet world can be so helpful in times like these. I’m sort of going through a similar situation…He knocked me down one spot on his top 3 weeks after the fact and I keep wondering why that makes my chest sting. It’s annoying. And I still check facebook/myspace like I’m physcotic. Kudo’s to you for having the courage to remove yourself fromm hell (the internet). Except for here on Missbehave of course!
OH, and up until a few days ago (when we decided that..well, HE decided that, in order for us to “heal” we need to stop speaking completely for awhile) we were active participants in subliminal away messages. They’re quite effective, I think.
We live more thru away messages and define “best friends” by our top 8. it’s quite scary actually, half of our life is lived on blackberries and lap tops now, it’s so weird. i feel what your saying tho, you can Deffinitly read into those things.
Yes, the internet is like a subliminal message battlefield. I’ve been trying to keep myself out of it for quite sometime now, by building a zen attitude towards all the bullshit directed (or that I think it’s directed) to me. No reaction is always, by far, the best option. Focusing on the positive side of things and on the people that send you good vibes and then ignoring anyone that did (or is trying to do) any kind of harm to you is the best way to go about life. Or so I believe.
In the end, everyone gets what they deserve, so there is no point in holding grudges.
The internet ruined my life. For real. We act like it’s minimal and unimportant but it’s like you said, everything someone does is intentional. Very VERY shortly after we broke up, my ex boyfriend moved in with the one person on the planet I’d like to kill in cold blood. This girl made it a point to document everything they did [with their new dog, their new place, their new friends] via the internet. via my friend’s myspaces, her blog, and every other public outlet. I literally went insane for 6 months hiding under the covers, avoiding places I knew they would be [places I love to hang out] and retracting from any socialization [even with my own friends, because she was slowly but surely gaining their loyalty]. The last straw involved her publicly chastising me via comment on my ex’s myspace. I decided that the only way anybody can survive various social networking tools is to have self control. I threw a hissy fit, warned my ex that if he didn’t put a stop to it that I would. Yeah I cried a little. I got dumped, and made to look like the crazy girl… but when 2 months passed and I hadn’t so much as glanced at either one of their pages I felt awesome… and to be honest, I realized that I didn’t give a shit about them anymore. Give yourself 30 days where you make it a point not to point and click on anything involving him/her. Mark it off on a calender, cross off the days, do what you have to do… After a mere month you might be surprised with your over all mood towards the situation.
I think its going to be really interesting when we start having to work with and relate to a whole generation who never knew what it was like to not have internet.
Way weird.
But yeah you have to distance yourself from that shit or it’ll make you go totally wacko.
Ilove/hate the internet because it’s entertaining but it can make you insane. I tried to block and delete my ex from all angles, but fucking found a wormhole and now he’s back. Or I’m weak. No, wormhole wormhole, that’s it.
the subliminal away messages and ichat song statuses are dangerous things…i get way caught up in picking the perfect phrase or song and it takes up too much time then people who know what its about ask me what its about. then i have to make something up. funnnnn!
love/hate the internet too.