America/Missbehave’s Next Top Blogger: Round 3

There was a slight technical issue. The poll has been reset and Remeka’s entry added. Please re-read and revote. All votes thus far have not been counted. So vote again! Thanks.

Last episode we sent Miss Gab packing her bags on the bus home. Now it’s time to get rid of someone else! REMEMBER when voting, You are voting someone OFF the island OUT of the house whateverz. You are voting for the person that SHOULD BE ELIMINATED. Check?

I (Sarah) am like the Tyra of this ish. This was their latest assignment:

You are on a horrific date. You can’t be a total asshole cause said date is your boss’ cousin. How do you creativity get out of it with your date’s feelings, your job, and your sanity all intact?

200 words

Judge away after the jump!

 Loading …

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Dinah

As some dude once said, “the best offense is a good defense”, which includes:

1. Friends who can bail you out. For example, text a codeword to a friend. Our special word, spoken and texted, is “flamingo”. This prompts the “uber-urgent” call that will prompt you to leave efficiently.
2. A list of plausible excuses. Hell, the Japanese have stores made for alibis (seriously), just see it as business.
3. Your gag reflex. No one will argue about you bailing out if you are ralphing the appetizer.

However, worst case scenario:

1. Brave it out. You will live. This is the best option available, though not creative.
2. Insinuate that you didn’t think this was romantic or sexual. Then start talking about promise rings and how Jesus permeates your soul. He’ll be saying, “CHECK” faster than you can scarf that Olive Garden breadstick.
3. Be the horror potential girlfriend. Stalker ex, friend who has returned from rehab who is living with you, your reality show past. The more creepy, the better. If he investigates, he is a stalker. Restrain that bitch like King Henry’s codpiece on his dingdong.

Break it off after, clean and neat. In the end, being courteous and polite will be the only foreseeable defense.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Remeka

Okay. I am going to be real lax with this scenario…only because I am self employed. Lets do this. I pretty much would go all Hell Date on this fucker, minus the corny ass devil. A free dinner is always dope, but a dude that turns your stomach isn’t, and since we are in a recession, you need your job. Dig deep into your roots. Not the ones that need to be dyed again…your family roots. Everyone has a crazy family member, right? See myself, I have a great aunt who has turret syndrome, and lashes out on people. Its bound to be somewhere in my blood. I would dig real deep, and bring that crazy bitch out. Imagine me spurring food everywhere, taking loud, and snapping out on random people. This is going to be easy, because I PMS three weeks out of a month. This dude would be so turned off, that he would take me home immediately. Of course word is going to get back to the office, and your boss will be confused. I mean, this is totally out of your character. But guess what? You will still have your job at the end of the day, simply because you are mental. And no one fucks with mental folks.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Neia

As per etiquette, when a date is going really well, I politely and whorefully offer said date to my place for a nightcap (yes, that is what we are calling it these days). Therefore, if I am on a horrific date with my boss’s cousin, I would pretend that I actually do get paid to do something at the office and tell him or her that I have to be in early because I have a lot of work to do, and need to rise from bed early in the morning. Could he/she really come between me and my career on the first date (which, might I mention, is conveniently devoted to my boss and his/her cousin…at least on this day)? Of course not. My date maintains dignity, and I get to go home to my trusty-never-dusty battery operated boyfriend. Pretending to be working hard will buy time with the boss before I have to consider an excuse for avoiding a next date. Even without the nightcap, this is still a score.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Robby

So Mr. McDreamy who seemed cool/attractive at 3 in the morning after twelve shooters is sitting in front of you the next afternoon after a little “texting your way to love” session not looking so dreamy. He’s whining about how they don’t serve Vegan meals at the restaurant and you’re counting the times he’s mentioned his new graphic-tee line. Your contemplating if the hospital ride from stabbing yourself with a fork would be less painful then the rest of this date but remember he’s your boss’s cousin.

Exit Strategy

A. Go with the classic Carrie Bradshaw, text your friends to to call about an “emergency”

Or

B. Disgust him by ordering the Barbeque Rib platter and chowing down on the free meal, knowing that your refrigerator IS empty at home and he’ll be so appalled by you eating actual animal ribs, tasty, tasty animal ribs, that he proclaims your eating habits are morally wrong and stomps off in a fit.

I’d personally choose C. and remember not to wear Beer Goggles next time I’m checking out the hottie from across the dance floor.

Damage recovery:

The next day at work you tell the boss about how much fun your date was and that you have plans to chill with him real soon, a.k.a. never. Remember make sure date from hell/your boss THINKS you were attracted to him despite you not giving a damn about him or his outfit that shouts that he buys everything from vintage Shops.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Shannon

Soooo I can’t be a complete hag and let dude know what time it is? Motherfuck a Craigslist job seach, ya’ll. Oh well, I guess that it’s time to get a little creative and invoke that that inner breezy that every girl has deep down inside. Nothing sends dudes running more than commitment served up with a fresh side of psychopath. So give him both. Obvs, you’re out in a social setting - instigate a shit show. Ask him if your romper makes you look fat; ask him if the color brings out your eyes/highlights/pedicure; ask him if he thinks you’re pretty. Start crying no matter the response. Yell at him for staring out your servers’ tits…or package. Proceed to question your dates’ manhood. Go to the bar and flirt with the bartender/barback/wino slumped over the counter. When they inevetiably hit on you, tell them that’s innapropriate and your BOYFRIEND OVER THERE will totz kick his ass. Insert dude getting molly womped here. Even if he doesn’t get chin-checked, by the end of the night he’ll pull the “it’s not you, it’s me” card, your boss will never, EVER try to hook you up again for fear of your complete lack of mental stability, and you walk away relatively unscathed. Win-win-win.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Lisette

I must admit that being perennially broke (read: never got a dime to my name), makes me willing to put up with a lot of BS for a free meal… Wait, we’re going dutch? Oh, hell naw. In that case, you must tread carefully, because anything slanderous you say will inevitably get back to your boss which could be dangerous.

You may want to refrain from revealing things (true or not, I’m not here to judge) like, “I don’t know why my ex-boyfriend got a restraining order against me,” or “I’m actually a post-op tranny,” because let’s face it, telling elaborate lies is going to bite you in the ass one way or another.

Instead, order a bunch of drinks (i.e. Long Island Iced Teas, or if you want to be a classy bitch, several glasses of Port wine should do the trick), and — once you’re sauced up enough to not care — wince and clutch your stomach, and tell him you think you just got your period. Most guys will be freaked out at the thought of you shedding your uterine lining (zomg! ew, bleeding down there), that they won’t dare ask further questions. This is your golden moment: tell him you don’t feel well, and must leave before you ruin your favorite skirt. Yes, ladies, its true, sometimes bleeding 12 times a year can come in handy!